Qur’an, Chapter Rum, verse 21, says, “And one of His signs is that He created mates for you from yourselves.” God, why have You done this? Let God explain it Himself. “He created mates for you from yourselves that you may find rest in them.”
What is the main thing at home? What is it? Love? No. Is enjoying the main thing? No. Is benefiting the main thing? No. Is bearing children the main thing? No. Is reputation, credibility or social dignity the main thing? No. What is the main thing? “…that you may find rest in them.” The purpose of having a family is calmness. No matter what happens, calmness should not be destroyed in the family.
First, calmness! If you consider the other good benefits from a family to be the first thing, you have disorganized everything! Everything is ruined. For example, you say, “The first use of a family is affection.” In this verse of the Qur’an that we talked about, there is affection too. But, affection isn’t first. It says, “I will give you affection too. There should be affection between spouses too. But, if you put affection instead of calmness and ruin each other’s calmness because of affection, there won’t be affection or calmness.”
For example, a person puts pleasure instead of calmness and says, “Sensual pleasure is the first thing for me.” Or no, comfort. A person is comfortable at home. What happens if you put comfort instead of calmness? You’ll destroy yourself and your family. “I want to be comfortable.” For you to be comfortable, you are destroying your spouse’s calmness. Then, you won’t be comfortable either!
What restricts our behaviour and our other goals and benefits in life, is calmness. Calmness shouldn’t be disrupted. Everything should be with calmness. Everything should come after calmness. If a woman wants to criticize her husband, or if a man wants to criticize his wife, they should be careful not to ruin calmness.
Think, “I wanted to insult him or her, or I wanted to say something, which was true. [There is no difference if it is a man or a woman.] I want to insult him or her, or say something else. Or even, I want to say something very true and very important! If I say this, calmness will be eliminated.” So, the first thing is calmness.
Let’s turn “calmness” into the main slogan of the family. A woman and a man can truly gift calmness to each other. “He created mates for you from yourselves that you may find rest in them.” What has God determined to be the goal of a family? Calmness. No matter what happens, calmness should not be destroyed in the family.
Calmness shouldn’t be disrupted. Everything should be with calmness. Everything should be after calmness.